stumbleine
blissed + gone
Night Mare
I can dance!
Posts: 723
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Chances
Mar 17, 2004 11:51:54 GMT 7
Post by stumbleine on Mar 17, 2004 11:51:54 GMT 7
How many chances are too many chances? How many is not enough? And when do you give up giving people chances?
I ask this because of my current situation. I have given my sister and my mum a million, well what feels like a million, chances despite the shit they have put me through and how many times they have broken my heart. I feel like this time its the last straw and I can't bear to give them another chance to break my heart, when I haven't healed properly from all the other times.
Tell me your opinions.
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Chances
Mar 17, 2004 12:23:51 GMT 7
Post by .honeyspider. on Mar 17, 2004 12:23:51 GMT 7
ok.. as hard as it is.. you need to draw the line somewhere.. where exactly, im not sure. because sometimes i have felt like i deserved another chance and didnt get one, and i know i have probably also not given people the "chance" when i should have.. whether it be family or a boyfriend/girlfriend. i think in general we tend to give family more chances than significant others.. this is what needs to change, because family members arent any different to any other person in the world, and we need to realise that, because they, being close to us and part of our "blood" tend to break our hearts and get away with it more so than a boy or girlfriend would. and funnily enough you would think family would be more inclined NOT to hurt u.. but peoples minds and emotions work in very weird ways my dear also, when u are in your "first" rel/ship w/ a boy or girl u tend to (generalising again) take more "shit" from the significant other maybe koz u thinkyou're totally in "love" or u just dont realise u deserve better! who knows! but anyway to answer your question, i think its a gutt feeling with me. if someone hurts me a lot, it depends on how they react to it, if i know they wont make the "same" mistake again, and if they are important to me still. there can be many "mistakes" and as long as they are talked about and the same one doesnt occur again, i can handle other "mistakes" happening. sometimes hurt and mistakes come from lack of communication, so once they are spoken about, they are fixed.. u know what i mean? anyway i think all in all we need to give people "some" chances.. otherwise the world world be a depressing place, because who hasnt fucked up once or twice in their life? we would all be walking around with no friends if we didnt give people chances. i think it is all about "the benefit of the doubt" until you have actually SPOKEN to the party involved directly. so many people make up their minds b4 actually speaking to the person involved and that is the most stupid thing of all.. its called lack of communication, and it can wreck relationships completely.. and turn things into a big whole ugly mess. anyway yes.. i personally think that everyone deserves the right to have their say on what happened.. so i guess that is a "chance" if u will.. after that, make up your mind, and how many times u come back for another "chance" is then up to u also.. but yes, at least one chance is deserved i believe. anyway i have had massive conversations w/ trev about all of this, we talk about this kinda stuff alot, so hopefully he jumps on and give his view on it. thats my two cents
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stumbleine
blissed + gone
Night Mare
I can dance!
Posts: 723
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Chances
Mar 18, 2004 10:33:18 GMT 7
Post by stumbleine on Mar 18, 2004 10:33:18 GMT 7
I've tried talking about the situation with my family, but I always get interrupted and lectured before I've had the chance to fully explain myself. So I give up. I completely understand what you're saying, Donna. It all makes sense to except why family think that they can constantly treat you like shit and think that they can get away with it and wonder why you don't speak to them for a month or so. After 2 and 1/2 years of heartache, my gut is saying that this is the final straw. No more, but there is this tiny, tiny lttle part of me that wants to give them another chance. Yet the rest of me can't bear to hurt anymore. Maybe its the whole you've only got one family thing.......
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Chances
Mar 18, 2004 13:31:15 GMT 7
Post by .honeyspider. on Mar 18, 2004 13:31:15 GMT 7
I've tried talking about the situation with my family, but I always get interrupted and lectured before I've had the chance to fully explain myself. So I give up. I completely understand what you're saying, Donna. It all makes sense to except why family think that they can constantly treat you like shit and think that they can get away with it and wonder why you don't speak to them for a month or so. After 2 and 1/2 years of heartache, my gut is saying that this is the final straw. No more, but there is this tiny, tiny lttle part of me that wants to give them another chance. Yet the rest of me can't bear to hurt anymore. Maybe its the whole you've only got one family thing....... yeh true the "only one family" thing comes into play a lot.. its weird, but it makes u wonder.. well it makes me wonder because when i hear stories of families feuding etc.. it just makes me so sad because its true, u only have one family and the thing i would hate most is if my family didnt know how much i loved them b4 they died, and so many families feud over bullshit things til their deaths and its fucked.. indeed fucked because then whoever is left often realises too late that they should have given the others a "chance"... oh but yeh, sometimes some things cant be forgiven.. and too right. if u are that hurt.. then go with your gutt.. but if u are having "second thoughts" then it means that deep down u still know they love u and maybe deserve the benefit of the doubt.. well maybe not that, but maybe u should say right out.. "this is what u are doing to me, this is not how i deserve to be treated.. i will treat u as u treat me.. etc etc.." whatever u think will pull their strings and make them see what they are doing to u... anyway yes.. enough donna babble for this arvo hope u get what i mean...
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nitrousovercast
blissed + gone
the gloaming
we are accidents waiting to happen
Posts: 465
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Chances
Mar 18, 2004 14:40:30 GMT 7
Post by nitrousovercast on Mar 18, 2004 14:40:30 GMT 7
not such a long time ago, i broke a promise of to a friend which really hurt her, she wasn't going to forgive me but she did, because she trusts me. trust is the real issue. if you've been so badly so manyt imes i think it would really be hard to give another chance, and just keep giving them chances every time they hurt you. in the end, it's about whether you truly feel you can trust that they won't hurt you anymore.
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trev
blissed + gone
Posts: 602
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Chances
Mar 19, 2004 14:25:31 GMT 7
Post by trev on Mar 19, 2004 14:25:31 GMT 7
stumbleine, i think you have to find the middle ground. You are thinking it's either all or nothing. All is you let them into all of your emoiton and allow them to either make you incredibly happy or incredibly sad. Nothing is giving up and cutting your losses and moving on. I think there's a third option, but it's hard to get there. First off, happy and sad are equally affected. You can't be, or give yourself the chance to be %70 happy without also allowing yoursele to become %70 sad. So at the moment your choosing %100, or %0. And that's where the middle ground comes in. I think you can give people the ability to make you happy or sad, and you allow how much they can affect you. (i say happy and sad just as easy terms, hurt, joy etc. are all included) So right now you are at breaking point. Your family are giving you pain + sadness, not happiness, so you need to cut back how much you let them affect you. It will mean you will get less positive and less negative out of your relationships with them, but it will let you re-charge your emotional batteries, if that makes sense. Then, once your ready to be strong and be hurt again, you allow them to be a bit closer to you, but only so much as if the worst case senario doesn't put you back to square one. Then, if they don't do the worst, you'll get some positive out of it and your emotional battery will charge more, and you can in turn let them get closer again, until your back to normal. This way they ALWAYS have a second chance. But this way, it's up to them to grab it and use it. And this way, you don't get the worst of it, and don't feel swamped by hurt and emotions and you can stay emotionally "afloat". I've done this, and it's worked for me, and it's a good assertive way of approaching things, you stay neutral in the situation and it tends to help people respect and understand you more, becasue the emotions are out of the way. Hope some of this helped, and I really hope your ok Good luck
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Chances
Mar 19, 2004 17:28:49 GMT 7
Post by SPchick on Mar 19, 2004 17:28:49 GMT 7
In my experience, it is family and family only who truly deserve another chance (and another and another)
Its no good any of us telling you to give your family another chance, or to forget them. Its 100% up to you and what you feel in your heart.
In my experience it was my Dad, during a messy seperation I became his emotional punching bag. I cut him out of my life, as he did with me. It wasnt after months of not talking and never seeing him that I realised that I was miserable, and thanks to Jesse I made the decision to forgive. Now we are closer than ever, and we get along like we did before any of this happened.
You just gotta go with what you feel.
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Chances
Mar 19, 2004 17:37:32 GMT 7
Post by PaRkA on Mar 19, 2004 17:37:32 GMT 7
i would really like to know if anybody has a solid answer to this, its topical for me at the moment...
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